You just made me feel so damn special
Will you blow on my dice?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
