You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
