tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
