Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
