Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
