Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
