I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
