yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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