Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize