Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
