a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
