I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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