I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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