He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
