this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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