she woke up with a sticky ear
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
