my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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