The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
