also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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