Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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