After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
