I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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