By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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