The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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