if you like me you must not know who I am
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
