What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
