I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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