good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
