I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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