a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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