When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
