I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have peed in a lot of sinks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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