you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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