Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
