And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
