May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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