I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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