I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
