i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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