I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
