I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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