every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
