I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
