There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
