just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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