Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
