dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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