I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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