I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
