I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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