the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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