Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
