i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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