my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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