just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
