Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
