we have pet lesbian snakes
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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