you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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