You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
