Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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