we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
