I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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