i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
