Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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