Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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